Putting the “Fun” in “Funeral”
Nobody wants to go to a funeral. Funerals are just sad music with sad, old people you don’t recognize milling about, right? I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be this way!
The last time we were here, I had just been informed that my dad was dying. Days or weeks to live. Fun, right? As you might expect, it being December and all, my dad did, in fact, die.
When he came home from the hospital, he was in hospice for a week and passed away at the beginning of June. He was surrounded by his favorite people (Us!), and we had spent hours telling our favorite stories and listening to his favorite music.
There are lots of horrible things that happened in those last hours, but guess what? I don’t want to talk about it. Not in this “fun” article, anyway.
So, unlike my previous article, we’re going to be focusing on just the funeral and not the sad stuff that led up to it.
Regarding My Dad
Anyone who knew my dad would describe him as being lively and talkative and helpful. He always had a smile on his face. He loved listening to happy music and didn’t watch sad movies. He was a HUGE Disney fan, and he loved music and movies and anything related to space, cowboys, or Star Wars (which is essentially space cowboys).
He was selfless and generous. He once gave our van away (we were going to sell it anyway) to a family in need that we knew. No strings attached. Every so often, we’d see the van go by, and he’d smile.
If you haven’t figured it out by now, he is the very last person who would want a depressing funeral.
For a while, I’d felt like I hadn’t done my part to care for my dad. So when everyone was too upset to function, I made it my job to plan the funeral. We went to an actual funeral place, of course, but I wanted to make sure that we could survive this thing and honor his memory in the way he’d want us to.
1. The Music
My dad loved music. He complained that music these days wasn’t happy and upbeat like the music he loved from the 1970s and 1980s.
In no particular order, here’s a small selection of the songs I chose:
a. Uptown Funk — Mark Ronson/Bruno Mars
b. Happy — Pharrell Williams
c. I’m Still Standing — Elton John
d. The Saga Begins — Weird Al
e. Take on Me — A-ha
f. It’s Tricky — Run DMC
g. A Girl Worth Fighting For & I’ll Make a Man Out of You — Mulan (1998) soundtrack
h. Larger Than Life — The Backstreet Boys
Listening to music that represented him was difficult when I was developing the list. My mom cried during one session, saying that she had fallen in love with him all over again.
Taking the time to curate this list made the funeral’s visitation go much more smoothly. The upbeat music made it feel less like a funeral and more like one of those days where he would randomly remember about YouTube and listen to his music for hours at a time.
2. The Décor
“Décor” as a term here describes pretty much everything visual. This category is probably the easiest of the preparations, because it really just requires a few mementos.
Our funeral director brought in a Disney collector’s item to sit next to the guest book.
We had his lightsaber and other knick-knacks on display. We made sure that the space around him represented who he was as a person, including the sleek, black casket we chose for him because it seemed Darth Vader-y.
Someone close to me suggested that we bring with us small items that we could fit into the casket with him — specifically items that were special to each of our relationships with him.
His favorite Pokémon, Gengar, adorned his favorite slippers, which I left with him. I also had a personalized, laser-engraved card from all of us go with him.
3. The Slideshow
This one is more difficult. Looking at your loved one is hard at first, especially since this comes so soon after they have passed.
If this is a parent (or other parental figure), you’ll find yourself looking at photos of what they were like as a young person. That means learning about all the different facets of your parent that you had never considered.
If this is a spouse (or other form of significant other), don’t do it alone! It is as difficult as it sounds, and you will need some backup for this task.
If this is a sibling, try to do this with a parent, another sibling, or another close relative. This is a good time to share positive memories and contribute in your own way.
I consulted with countless photo albums from my house and my grandparents’ house. I included a handful of photos from his younger years and tried to focus on more recent photos that showcased what he looked like not long before his passing.
While working on selecting photos for the slideshow, make an effort to choose one for the obituary.
The strangest thing about doing this was that, for every picture I looked at, I was thinking, “Yeah, that looks like a guy who’d have an obituary.” (If anyone here is interested in the process of writing an obituary for a loved one, please let me know, and I’ll post about it as well.)
4. The Dress Code
Ditch the formal attire! If you want a FUNeral, stuffy formal clothes can’t be the main thing you see.
We picked some of his favorite clothes that we could bear to part with. Allowing him to wear his comfy, casual clothes really made it less depressing. My dad didn’t wear a suit often, so it would have been weird and unnatural to see him in one. We wanted to honor his carefree spirit.
So formal clothes didn’t really fit the concepts we wanted to follow. Only one of our many pallbearers was dressed formally. Sure, there were some guests dressed nicely, but his work buddies were able to show up in their UPS uniforms, for example.
My mom, my sister, and I chose a shirt that was cute and that all four of us owned. It is the shirt my dad is buried in, so any time we wear that shirt, we can match him. Lots of people asked us about what we were wearing, and the shirts were a big hit.
5. The Funeral Ceremony
Let’s be real: this is the hardest part. The visitation went by pretty fast. It lasted about four hours, and the three of us didn’t even cry. We were busy catching up with friends, relatives, and coworkers.
Our speakers included two of my dad’s siblings and my mom’s cousin, who is a pastor. The speeches were filled with fun memories and comforting thoughts. My cousin, who was sitting next to me, passed me a tissue when I began sobbing. She quickly moved the tissue box to sit between us, and we went through almost the whole box. I was sobbing openly and loudly. I’m sure it’s in all of the recordings.
There is no way to sugarcoat this part. It will not be easy. There are tissue boxes along every segment of the pews. You will need them — at least, as long as it’s someone you like!
Even if the speeches themselves are fun and entertaining, it’s still incredibly difficult. Please make sure that the casket is closed during this part, or it will become increasingly difficult to pay attention to the speakers, because seeing the face of your deceased loved one lying there immediately next to the one spot you’re supposed to be looking… yeah, it’s not easy.
Seeing the casket lowered into the ground is unpleasant as well. Some may find more closure in watching it closely, while others may appreciate a nice distraction.
The mood was lifted when we were shown the burial vault that my dad’s casket went into: they had embedded a very nice picture of Darth Vader into it.
It was a nice tribute that comforted me, to know that my dad was being taken care of at no extra charge.
Summary (TL;DR): Celebrate Your Loved One
There are important things that you have to pay special attention to if you want your funeral to be more of a FUNeral.
- The music: make it upbeat and lively, ensuring to include your loved one’s faves.
- The décor: ensure it represents your loved one’s hobbies and interests.
- The slideshow: don’t do it alone, and focus on more recent photos.
- The dress code: keep it informal.
- The funeral ceremony: it’s going to be hard, so keep the tissues handy.
Funerals don’t have to be 100% depressing. It helps to focus on the fun parts that made your loved one special.
If you are struggling with grieving and/or depression, please consider reaching out to someone who loves you.
I have a collection of resources that may make your life a little easier: https://stephanietillman.com/depression/
If you’re reading this on the behalf of someone you care about, please make an effort to reach out to them and ensure that you keep an eye on them.
Help is out there. You are enough. You are loved. You are valid.
IF YOU ARE IN CRISIS:
Please call the NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE at 1–800–273-TALK (8255) OR contact the CRISIS TEXT LINE by texting TALK to 741–741.
The DEAF and HARD OF HEARING can contact the lifeline via TTY AT 1–800–799–4889. All calls are confidential.
Contact social media outlets directly if you are concerned about a friend’s social media updates or dial 911 in an emergency.
Learn more on the NSPL’s website.
